Snooze

“And sleep, that sometimes shuts up sorrow’s eye, Steal me awhile from mine own company.”

– William Shakespeare (A Midsummer Night’s Dream)

There are two kinds of people in the world, the kind that actually gets woken up by an alarm in the mornings, and of course, the kind that doesn’t. And which one of these two kinds you are says a decent amount about you. Being the latter, I know that I look up to the former as though they are some sort of Gods, possessing unfathomable powers.

The people of the former sort that I meet, and often end up discussing my dilemma of not being able to wake up, often let me off with a laugh. “How can you not wake up!” I have to console myself by thinking that at least these people use alarms to wake up. For though it is beyond what my brain can comprehend, there exist a bunch of people, the gods of the gods, like Zeus, who wake up without an alarm. Those I have no knowledge of, and I hope I do never meet one, for if luck is so, I am sure at the taking up of the topic there would be only two plausible ends to the story – I would cry, or I would end up punching them.

Those who can wake up with alarms, look at me in such stark disbelief, like I am some sort of donkey-zebra hybrid addressing them in Latin. They think I am making it up. “Oh it is so easy to wake up, I just have to set one alarm, and I’m up!”

So for all these great people, let me tell you about what it is like, to not be able to wake up with an alarm.

First of all, not only do I not wake up hearing an alarm, in fact, half the mornings I don’t even hear the alarm. I am a very, very, VERY, sound sleeper. And no matter what technology I employ to do the job of waking up, it always fails me. Furthermore, technology has evolved greatly since our parents’ time. There are all these apps built with really loud, tricky alarms that promise to wake you up, but they fail. Not only do these fail to wake me up, but they also somehow manage to wake up my mother, who is sleeping in the other room. It’s worse than it sounds.

Let me give you an insight into how much I prepare to wake up in the morning, and still fail at doing so:

I have four alarm apps…not four alarms…four alarm APPS. So, you can probably infer the number of alarms I have put. In case you cannot…

The first alarm is the normal one, that comes built into the phone. I have around 10 alarms set on it, each with 4-minute intervals. The second app is one that only switches off if you shake it, vigorously. There’s around 10 of these too. The third alarm is one that gives me math equations to solve before it goes off, and the fourth measures my heart rate before it switches off.

Now let me tell you, I switch off the alarms from the first app easily and then go to sleep, however, the implementation of the art of deception on the other three proves to be rather difficult, which is good, but…

On the first day of using these applications, I figured out, through natural human instinct, and Google, that if you want them to stop ringing immediately, you just have to power off your phone. So that is just what I do nowadays, the ultimate resort, POWER OFF YOUR PHONE.

So for all the times that I have been late, or missed an event, you now know why, and out of courtesy, I apologize for it. As for the people who have laughed reading this since they possess the uncanny ability to wake up using an alarm, I hope it is clear that I am forever envious of you.